February 19, 2024

Pregúntale a Evelyn


Querida Evelyn,

Déjate de micromachismos y realidades trans, que mira que te gusta politizarlo todo, y hablemos de lo importante: MODA DE VERANO. ¿Dónde están esas tips? ¡Quiero saber!

Atentamente,

Aries apolítica



Querida Aries,

Cada año, con cada nueva estación, fans por doquier me consultan sobre las tendencias de turno, y mi respuesta es siempre la misma: lee el Vogue, W y Harper’s Bazaar; ojo a las big four (London, Milano, Paguí, Ñuyor), y sobre todo, sé tú misma. Y cada año noto que estos consejos no satisfacen a gente como tú, militantes hardcore de la moda que exigís reglas, no directrices. Entonces pienso si debería deciros que la moda es una farsa. Que los diseñadores son esclavos de sus juntas de accionistas; los costureros son esclavos, a secas; y los redactores, estilistas y fotógrafos son nepobabies o becarios de 36 años, todos los cuales viven de o con sus padres. Pienso si debería divulgar que las tendencias de verano, como cada año, fueron dictadas durante el plenilunio de mayo en un ritual secreto en la azotea del edificio de Condé Nast, por boca de las gurús supremas de la moda, trece mujeres que juntas suman tres mil años y llevan tantas vaginoplastias que sus coños ya son técnicamente palimpsestos, y que en un éxtasis de canapés y cocaína, entre espasmos y autolesiones, gritan conceptos aleatorios como “¡colores energy!”, “¡safari urbano!” o “¡bolsos con dientes!”, y unos amanuenses ciegos los escriben y envían a las revistas. Pero sé que no es lo que quieres oír, Aries. Porque tú no buscas iluminación: buscas un agarradero, un quitamiedos, una biblia, un autócrata, orden en el caos. Porque como todas las personas apolíticas, Aries, eres de derechas. Así que aquí va: Animal prints, lencería vista, transparencias, lentejuelas, grunge. De nada.

Atentamente,

Evelyn

Publicado en la revista El Jueves, Mayo 2023

January 18, 2024

S'esdevenen cosetes

Jo enllestint un manuscrit en català com si no portés sis anys picant portes a Jòlivut:


 (New book coming from Empúries in Spring 2024. In Catalan.)

December 30, 2023

The Leftover Days

I don't particularly like xmas (this would've been "I hate xmas" ten years ago), but I do love what comes after it. The days between xmas and the end of the year do not count. They are the calendar's moral-free zone. You can do crimes. I think. Certainly you can ignore all emails, forgo all underwear, and just eat sweets and watch holiday movies till you fall asleep.

I see a lot of holiday movie lists around, but I think there are some underrepresented gems. I'm here to correct this. Also I'm here cause a 2023 wrap-up felt underwhelming. Not that I didn't write a lot. And signed some publishing contracts. Stay tuned.


1. The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)


Why it's xmassy: Same reason Die Hard is.

Though the premise foreshadows Bourne so accurately that Brian Cox plays the exact same role, I feel like this is an overlooked Die Hard-derivative: directed by John McTiernan (Die Harder) and with Samuel L. Jackson as the funniest out-of-depth sidekick since himself in Die Hard with a Vengeance. Geena Davis is amazing (in both roles) and she and Jackson make one of the best buddy couples to ever bicker in a car while blowing up very expensive movie sets. I love them more with every rewatch.

 

2. The Jacket (2005)

Why it's xmassy: Happens in the days that don't count.

Around 2005, and for several more years, I used to go to the movies every Wednesday, no matter what. And I'd watch whatever was on. This led me to see lots of movies I didn't care for, and others I've come to adore. This is one of the latter, and walking into the theater without having even glimpsed at a synopsis made it all the better. The first thirty-five minutes can be summed up as "weird shit happens to Adrien Brody". Around that 35-minute mark something happens, and you're like, "oh, so this is what this film is about". It's a feeling I try to recreate often in my work, without success, mostly cause every note-giver in this business is like, "if I don't know what i'm reading in the first five pages I'll die". Anyway. Great story with some fantastic lines, beautiful photography (I love all the random close-ups on body parts), Keira Knightley, and a loveable pre-007 Daniel Craig to boot.

 

3. The Game (1997) 

Why it's xmassy: Scroogey vibes.

Ok, so this one doesn't happen on xmas. Bite me. It's a masterpiece. It's my favorite Michael Douglas, my favorite David Fincher, and it's A Christmas Carol on cocaine. Ebenezer Scrooge went through a lot that night, but he wasn't buried alive in Mexico. And at least for him it was ghosts, not a corporation that owns a skyscraper, which is truly frightening. Oh, the omens. Oh, the doom. Oh, the emotional journey.

 

4. Spirited (2022)


Why it's xm--Oh.

Talk about corporations pulling the strings of magical redemption trips. Well, I like musicals. I'm that kind of person. And I've watched this one every year since it came out, so that must mean something. (It means I have a crush on Sunita Mani. Don't tell her.)


5. Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy (2011)


Why it's xmassy: Because of the xmas party they keep flashing back to.

Yeah, I do watch his one far more frequently than xmas happens. So what. It's a crown jewel. Back to my days of walking into movie theaters unprepared, I saw this and I felt like an idiot. It was slow, boring, I couldn't follow the plot and I understood nothing. Some time later I gave it another chance, watched it at home, pausing and going back every time I thought I'd missed something. And now it's one of my favorite films ever. Top 20. Maybe 10. Who cares. Movie good, Gary Oldman smart, Edgar like. By the time the scene above comes at the end of the film, underscored by Julio Iglesias' rendition of La Mer, I'm on my feet.

I may add a few more later, but this was already more work than I'm supposed to do on December 30th. Good afternoon. And Happy New Year.



September 2, 2023

The Beginning

 How's this for a novel opener?


August 5, 2023

That Is not Dead Which Can Eternal Lie

He desfibrilado un blog que llevaba SIETE AÑOS muerto para hablar de Ibáñez. Porque el mundo estaba esperando mi opinión, creo yo. 

Ibáñez y tal - soyunautorderelleno.blogspot.com

 

 IN ENGLISH: Nah, this one really doesn't concern you.